SEEDTOWN, NC—Satan has always been depicted as an evil force or entity who is hell-bent on ensuring the destruction of Christianity, as well as suckling every living Soul into his fiery domain. However, Kyle Lubitz, a Freshman at Yellow Fountain High School in Seedtown, North Carolina has just discovered an opposite truth.
"I don't know man. I always thought Satan was all about sacrificing goats and fucking over the world and everything. But the truth started coming out when I saw how many people in the Black Metal scene are actually vegans. That was the first red flag I saw," Lubitz stated.
Lubitz, a dedicated fan to cult Black Metal outfits such as Abbath and Moloch, has been listening to the projects ever since the beginning of the school year. The face paint, dedication to dark sigils, and Satan himself led the child to believe Satan was a bad person. But after reading about the deity online, he came away unsatisfied with Him.
"All these movies out there depict the forces of evil as being disgusting, nasty, and nothing but murderous jerks. The Satanic Bible actually makes Satan sound pretty chill and cool. I don't understand it. How am I supposed to get through my most hormone filled stage when I don't even know what my deity is all about?" Lubitz continued.
Lubitz found a group of Satanists within his own high school and was confused when he got kicked out. Speaking to the head of the Satanic Friendship Club at Yellow Fountain High School, Miranda Smith, she stated, "Yeah, when we first met Kyle, he really, really wanted to know when we were going to kill a cat or murder his ex. We kind of tried to tell him that's not what we're about. He got angry with us. Still, if we could enlighten him that would have been awesome. Now he's finding stuff out on his own. Wouldn't you know it... We were right. Fucking Kyle."
Lubitz has since stopped worshiping Satan and has moved onto worshiping Ronald McDonald. Lubitz continued, "At least that clown is responsible for a few thousand deaths per year. Fuck Satan. I'll have Ron curse everyone I know."
