September 25, 2017

Cold Waves VI Canceled Due to Impending Heat Wave


CHICAGO, IL—Global Warming has claimed its first victim in the industrial scene. The yearly music festival, Cold Waves, has been canceled due to public safety concerns after meteorologists have predicted a massive heat wave lasting well through autumn.

This week will be cooler in Chicago, but the future beyond its 5-day forecast likely holds more temperature extremes than the city has experienced in its recorded history.

Illinois State University meteorologist Frank Gallow warned NBC Chicago this week that recent record-breaking temperatures are not a new status quo; the new status quo will be worse.

“Here’s the old normal, here’s the new normal,” Gallow explained, demonstrating with upraised hands. “We’re somewhere in between, but we haven’t finished changing yet.”

The high pressure influx that drove thermometers mad across the state last weekend has not moved on from the region in spite of lower temperatures this week. Gallow adds, "Yeah, you've seen what Hurricane Irma and Harvey have done, but wait until you see what this mother fucker is gonna do to the north. You thought you were safe up there? Not anymore. Get prepared to get fucked. Say goodbye to Eskimos."

Jason Novak, founder of Cracknation, had considered postponing until the winter months, but opted not to compete with the busy holiday season. Refunds will not be available to those who have purchased tickets due to the performers and venues having been paid upfront months in advance.

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