Aphex Twin Admits He Literally Has No Idea What He’s Doing

Written by Isaac Martin

SCOTLAND—Richard D. James of Aphex Twin fame admits to us in an interview: "Yeah, I just go on stage and twiddle knobs until people start cheering."

When asked to explain further, James confesses that he has never really written a single song. Every morning he wakes up to a completely new song recorded, mixed, and mastered.

When asked how this was possible, James stated that one day he watched a box full of "musical doodads" get hit by a strange bolt of lightning, and afterwards the electronics started creating otherworldly sounds. When asked what gear was struck, he promptly said, "Gears? I'm a musician, not a clocksmith..."

Incredibly, when he showed us his studio, it was devoid of any and all equipment apart from an Apple Macintosh II computer running Linux and a pair of unplugged speakers. When asked where his synthesizers were, James replied, “My what? Oh, yeah, those things,” and then didn't answer the question.

James claims he will release new music if, "The rains are good this year," and hopefully they are.