Unhinged Health Tips: Keep Your Stomach as Flat as the Earth

If you're looking for ways to keep your stomach flat—like the Earth—you may have to make some changes to your lifestyle. The first thing you'll want to do is order 12 bottles of each kind of Alex Jones's InfoWars supplements and take them every two to nine minutes. Next, you'll need to revamp your diet. Make sure to eat lots of dirt and hair. Try to find a local barber shop willing to give away their hair trimmings. It may be difficult. They will usually claim to be unaware of how valuable it is but still refuse to give it up, ask you to leave, and threaten to call the police. Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2); it's the sequel to water. Finally, avoid eating late at night or close to bedtime, as this can lead to heartburn and indigestion or turn you into a gremlin if your clock is wrong. You may have Mogwai DNA without realizing it—they toured extensively in the 1990s and 2000s. Your dad may not be your dad, and not just because he was replaced by a robot.

Getting proper exercise is also key. You don't need a gym membership or fancy equipment to get a good workout. There are plenty of exercises you can do right at home using everyday items. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Use a milk jug filled with the urine you've been saving as a dumbbell. Start with one that's not too heavy, then work your way up as you get stronger.

2. Fill up a laundry basket or backpack with the books that you were going to burn anyway now that you know they are full of lies and contain strings of keywords that may activate your implants if you were to read them, and use it as a weight for squats, lunges, and other strength-training exercises.

3. Get in some cardio by running up and down the street while loudly informing everyone that they, too, are being watched.

6. As you're removing all electronics from your home because they contain listening devices, see how far out into your yard you can throw them.

4. Focus on resistance training. You'll need to be part of it when the New World Order takes over.

A healthy diet and exercise routine is important for everyone who is not a Lizard Person. By following these tips, you can help yourself stay in shape and improve your overall health.

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KMFDM Has New Album Out, Probably

The industrial community is possibly buzzing with the news that another KMFDM album was released recently, maybe.

The longstanding act, founded by Sascha Konietzko in 1984, and featuring a diverse and revolving-door lineup of musicians over the past three decades, supposedly split after the release of Adios in 1999, after which Konietzko revived the KMFDM brand with Attak in 2002 (though attempts to validate this proved inconclusive).

While fans wonder, perhaps, what the latest incarnation of KMFDM will hold for semi-expectant eardrums, Riveting News made a call to Digital Underground in Philadelphia to see if they had the band’s latest album in stock.

"I checked the CD and vinyl racks," DU owner Joe Scott told RN. "The new album is either the one with the five-character name, or the multisyllabic nonsense word nobody can pronounce."

"In any case," Scott added, "I'm about fifty-percent sure we have it."

Written by Jonny Numb

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Hate Dept.'s Extension Going Straight to Voicemail

NEW HOLLAND, OH—Calls to post-punk industrial's Hate Dept. have gone unanswered lately with no explanation provided in the voicemail greeting. Callers who dial their extension are greeted with a distorted voice loudly screaming, "Fuck off." As of press time, there have been no reports of anyone receiving a call back after leaving a message.

Fans have been trying to reach the Hate Dept. for weeks with no success. Some have even tried emailing and calling other bands, but no one seems to be able to help. No official explanation has been provided, but some have speculated that Steven Seibold may have been preoccupied with releasing material from his old band Choker on Bandcamp.

This is a major issue for the company, as the Hate Dept. is responsible for customer dissatisfaction. If customers can't be told to go fuck themselves with a personalized insult from a real person, they will likely take their business elsewhere. The company is working on fixing the problem, but in the meantime, customers will just have to keep trying or go fuck themselves.

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Research Shows Dumb People More Likely to Share Articles Linking Personality to Intelligence

ANN ARBOR, MI—We all like to think we're pretty smart. Some people like to share articles in an attempt to prove just how smart they are. But, according to new research, if you're sharing articles about personality traits that prove intelligence, you're probably not as smart as you think you are.

The research, conducted by a team at the University of Michigan, was two fold: it looked at actual intelligence and perceived intelligence. It found that people who share articles about the "Big Five" personality traits—neuroticism, extraversion, openness, agreeableness, and conscientiousness—are less likely to score above average on an IQ test and more likely to be seen as less intelligent by their peers.

In the first study, participants who had shared articles about the Big Five personality traits were invited to take an IQ test. Across the board, not one single participant scored above average, with most actually scoring below average.

The results of the second study showed that those same people who shared articles about these traits were rated as less intelligent than those who didn't share any.

So, why does sharing articles about personality traits prove you're not intelligent?

The researchers believe that people who share these articles are trying to prove how smart they are, either to others or themselves. Either way, it seems to be a turn-off for most people of above average intelligence.

So, if you're looking to impress your friends with your intelligence, it's best to just post long diatribes on obscure subjects with large words. Studies have shown that most people scroll past them without reading while assuming the content was coherent.

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Goth Chemist Develops Industrial Strength SPF 666 Sunscreen

UPDATE: The formula has been licensed to Neutrogena.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Goth chemist Lasandra Nightfaery has developed a new industrial strength sunscreen with an SPF of 666. The sunscreen is specially designed to keep skin pale and protect it from the harmful rays of the sun. Nightfaery, a long time goth, says she was motivated to develop the sunscreen after her goth softball league game was postponed after a two-hour sun delay.

"I wanted a sunscreen that would keep us both pale and protected from the sun, but all of the products on the market were either too weak or they weren't vegan," she says. "So, I decided to develop my own sunscreen that would be strong enough to keep me pale and protected."

The sunscreen is made with a special black pigment that absorbs light, preventing it from reaching the skin. In addition, the sunscreen contains a concentration of zinc oxide, which reflects and scatters UV rays. Finally, the sunscreen is infused with a special blend of essential oils and spells that provide additional protection against UV rays and negative energies. The sunscreen is currently available for purchase online and in select Hot Topic stores.

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Band With Two Fans Begs For $5,000 in Crowdfunding Campaign

STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass is once again making headlines within the goth and industrial scene. This time the band has asked for, and I quote, a "pitiful" amount of money to press their new album Industrial Sucks.

"We're pushing boundaries in the industrial scene," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group, "No one else can release as good an album as we can! We pirated and cracked a DAW, and now we're making waves."

The waves they so fondly proclaim to be making has netted them less than one-hundred views on YouTube and Spotify combined. Their social media pages are particularly sad to look at considering no one in the scene interacts with them.

"We've been squashed and censored by social media algorithms," claimed Maclaver, "Even though we see other bands utilizing hard work and friendly promotion to lift both themselves and their fellow peers, that's not what we're doing."

In fact, what Maclaver has stated is more than truthful. Rather than attempting to build a strong connection with those around them, Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been begging people for money to get their new album pressed.

"Yeah, we could get jobs and work a few hours during the week and save up the money to press the release ourselves, but my mom and dad have already said they would support me if I brought Industrial Sucks to Kickstarter. So, I mean, that's already two people for a five-thousand dollar goal. Plus, if I pester enough people in the scene about this, we'll definitely be loved and well liked," stated Maclaver.

As of right now, only one person has supported their crowdfunding campaign with five dollars. The message from the donor reads, "Get a fucking job and out of our basement."

The duo behind the music has made headlines in the past for ranting and raving about sites not reviewing their album, trying to make the world's shittiest music video, as well as for accidentally building a deck while using power tool on stage. Who knows what else this wonky band will get up to.

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Musicians Mourn Loss of Muse

WASHINGTON, DC—The age of the Angry Donald Trump Song has (hopefully) come to an end. It's been a wild, unoriginal ride, but all mediocre things must come to an end. Today, let us look forward to a new era of dull, angsty songs from bands like And One, Trapt, Kid Rock, and is Ted Nugent still alive?

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Trump Pardons Trapt For Being Total Dildos

WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

The lame duck President has seemingly moved on to the nu metal scene and granted a pardon to Trapt, whose frontman, Chris Taylor Brown, has been making waves with his social media dickery. According to Trump, Brown and his band can now, "...be back on Twitter and the Facebook effective immediately." There is no word on whether anyone has explained to Trump that that's not how any of this works.

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Trump Pardons Dahvie Vanity, Sin Quirin, William Control Before Leaving Office

WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

Sin Quirin of Ministry, Dahvie Vanity of Blood on the Dancefloor, and William Control of whoever he is are all said to be alleged predators of underage girls. Trump's disdain for "Cancel Culture" has led him to "pardon" these men of their "crimes." When informed that none of them have been charged or convicted of anything, Trump insisted that he add them to the list.

There has been no word yet on whether And One will be pardoned for being a crazy, Qanon Twitter nut. This article will be updated as more details are released.

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'90s Cartoon Aunt May Rumored to Return for Spider-Man 3

HOLLYWOOD, CA—A third MCU Spider-Man film is in the works, and the internet can't stop speculating about its cast. Over the last few months, there's been a whirlwind of rumors surrounding a multitude of characters and actors from past iterations of the Spider-Man franchise coming back in the next film. Until now, the conversation was limited to the Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield movies.

Inside sources have said that producers have been looking back ever further. One anonymous source claims that Kevin Feige has reached out to the cartoon Aunt May from 1994's Spider-Man the animated series which ran on Fox Kids for 5 seasons.

Cartoon Aunt May has not been involved in any projects since the series' cancellation in 1998, so her schedule is presumably wide open. Though much older than the version played by Marisa Tomei, Feige is reportedly confident that she will be able to reprise her role seeing as how cartoons are immortal and cannot die.

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