How to Spot a Fake Goth

It's a tough question that we ask ourselves all the time. You'll be out at your favorite stomping grounds and come across someone who seems like they're trying to be Goth, but doesn't quite fit in. Your soulless instincts start to kick in as you notice that this person is not wearing black at all but a mean set of cargo shorts, Crocs, and a white button up shirt. Suddenly, you realize that this person might actually be a normie. This is a dilemma that many of us face, therefore we here at Riveting News have set up a guide that will help you find out whether or not someone is really Goth.

• Their favorite song by The Cure is actually the Hot Potato song by The Wiggles.
• When you read their Journal, it says, "I fucking hate Goths so much," over and over and has photos taped in it of popular pop-punk groups such as Weezer.
• Their limited edition unrated director's cut of The Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Tae Bo video.
• They pronounce Sisters of Mercy as "Blisters of Cersei."
• They spread mayonnaise all over their body to hide a really nice tan.
• Their combat boots have a Nike swoosh on them and also aren't combat boots at all.
• They ask you if their eyeliner looks OK, but they're wearing a paper bag over their head with a sad face drawn in sharpie.
• Their cutting scars are clearly from anterior cruciate ligament surgery.
• When you talk about Satan, they start crying and beat the shit out of you with a Bible.
• When you ask what their favorite legitimate Goth site is, they say Riveting News.

When in doubt, knock them out.

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Shiv-R Puts Jacket On, No Longer Cold

MELBOURNE, AU—It would be hard to convince anyone that an Australian native would be cold considering the beaming rays of sun that cook the surface of the land Down Under, but for two men this is a sad reality they have to live with. Until recently, they've been unaware of a common remedy.

The industrial and dark electro producers behind Shiv-R, Pete Crane and Ben Bulig, have had their fight against their cold state well documented since the initiation of their project. The name of their band is a play on the word "shiver" and showcases their struggle to get warm. Though the sun always strikes down upon them, the two musicians have always found themselves walking in a sunny winter wonderland, and they cannot shake that feeling off of themselves.

This is before they discovered jackets, an invention that is hardly known to Australian natives due to the weather and deserts that surround them. A Riveting News field team was in Melbourne when one of our reporters asked a random man on the street what a jacket was, and he replied, "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, mate. I don't even know who you are. Or what you're wearing. You're a freak. Get outta here."

When introduced to jackets, they were at first skeptical and scared, they were soon coaxed into wearing the jackets. As their feeble and shivering hands slid into the jacket and after their bodies, Crane and Bulig were no longer cold.

In a closed interview afterwards, Shiv-R has announced they would soon start a new side-project called Sweat-N in reference to their newfound love and cure for the shivers.

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Study: Is Eating Ass Goth?

NEWBURY, CT—It seems that eating ass has become the latest sexual trend in recent years with many, many millennials constantly posting, asking, and wondering about the infatuation.

Researchers across the world are stumped as to how and why this has become such a trend considering, as one anonymous source put, “Literal shit comes from the anus. You are eating shit when you eat ass.”

Editor’s note: That’s what baby wipes are for.

But there is one question lingering in the air that has yet to be answered by our little, dark, narrow scene: Is eating ass considered to be Goth?

We at Riveting News, your number one legitimate source for all things dark and electronic, are here to answer that question. Our investigation led us to the household of Lasandra “Nightfaery” Becker, a sexual deviant and someone who has gotten her asshole licked by big tongues, small tongues, fat tongues, and flat tongues. When we first knocked on the door Nightfaery groaned, “Not you fucking guys again.”

But after offering to pay her in coffee and cigarettes, she reluctantly let us in. As we sat on the couch with one too many noticeable stains on it, Nightfaery answered our question to the best of her knowledge, “Josh Ravenblood, my boyfriend, has always called my butthole ‘the batcave’. When I tell people about that they’re thinking it’s a batman reference. But it’s not. We’re talking about actual bats here.”

Ravenblood was listening in on the conversation next to his girlfriend, and added, “She’s eaten my ass out for the past ten nights. And, I mean, if you think about it, the butthole never sees sunlight, and neither do Goths.”

Nightfaery finished out by saying, “So, yeah, I mean… I guess eating ass is Goth.”

Though these are just two of the many opinions that are in the Goth scene, the discussion can still move forward with the many make-up artists, musicians, and BDSM performers within the Goth scene. We at Riveting News say that eating ass is GOTH, as it always has been. So eat ass to your heart’s content.

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Homophobic Leæther Strip Fan Completely Clueless

DURHAM, NC—38-year-old Ken Cosgrove is a self described "Leæther Head" obsessed with all things Leæther Strip and Klutæ. Conversely, he is also a raging homophobe who regularly posts videos of himself burning pride flags.

I first found Cosgrove when a Facebook friend shared a video of a man burning a rainbow flag and chanting, "F**s must die." As I watched in disgust, I noticed he was wearing what looked like a Japanese Bodies t-shirt. There was certainly a story there. After reaching out to him, Cosgrove agreed to sit down for a brief interview. Before I had a chance to ask him to share a little about his stance on homosexuality and the industrial scene, he offered it unprompted.

"Industrial bands these days are a bunch of queer kids wearing makeup like f**s. Who knows what's going on with them. I can't fucking stand f******s," explained Cosgrove, "but then you have Leæther Strip. Claus is a fuckin' Alpha, dude. I bet he slays mad chicks."

When asked about the lyrics of songs like "Invade My Body," Cosgrove claimed that the song was "obviously sung from the point of view of all the chicks he's always railing."

When asked about Claus' penchant for wearing leather dungeon straps around his chest on stage, Cosgrove replied, "Yeah, so did He-Man, and he was as manly as they come."

FInally, I asked Cosgrove if he thought Claus Larsen was a "man's man." He responded, "Oh, definitely," and then added, "What's with all these questions anyway? What are you trying to get at? I'm not a fuckin' f*****t, bro. I'll fuckin' knock you out."

I opted not to let Dan in on the non-secret. I think we can all relate to discovering that an artist we look up to isn't what we'd thought they were and how devastating a realization that can be. He was happy in his ignorance, and though hateful people don't deserve happiness, Claus and Kurt certainly deserve this scumbag's money.

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Taylor Swift to Release Industrial Album, Riveting News Out of Ideas

NASHVILLE, TN—Let's say she recorded an industrial album featuring a single about her breakup with pop music. That should work, right? Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

The new album will be produced by Trent Reznor someone more relevant like Ogre or Alexis whatever from 3Teeth; they've got a lot of buzz right now. Is the T supposed to be capitalized? I've seen it both ways.

Swift says something about being sick of the vapid world of pop stardom and how her handlers never let her smear black grease paint on her neck before going on stage. Maybe Photoshop the picture to reflect that. Or not. The simplicity could help sell the idea that we didn't put any effort into this one even though we actually kind of did. After all, the real joke is in the meta self deprecation. You know someone's gonna leave a Facebook comment about how meta this is. Probably Kevin again. Remember to make him write another article. That meth-synth story was gold. Plus, then we get to name drop Cyanotic just like I am right now. Whoa. This is a rabbit hole.

Ooh! Gary Numan! Have him be involved somehow. His last two albums were amazing. Maybe a quote from him like, "I'm so glad Taylor has found her true calling. I'm honored to be working with her, bla bla bla." Or better yet, Andy from Combichrist. The post will get a boost from everyone shitting on Combichrist in the comments. God, I feel like this is so easy sometimes.

Four or five paragraphs should be enough. No one reads the stories anyway. Headline+Pic=Share. How hilarious would it be if they don't even realize what any of this is? I mean, the headline should pique their interest though. Oh, and put our rivet pattern background behind her. It'll be like a representation of how we're just slapping Taylor Swift on our website in order to pump out another article.

P.S. Does a P.S. make sense in an article? This kind of comes off as an internal memo anyway, right? Let's copy paste this whole thing, replace Swift with Trump, and publish it in a few months. Boom. That was just a joke, but now I think we should really do it just in case one person remembers this. Include this paragraph verbatim without replacing her name. I'm way too amused by the fact that this is the sixth paragraph when earlier I said four or five.

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EXCLUSIVE: Stream the New Nine Inch Nails Before Official Release

The forthcoming Nine Inch Nails album "Bad Witch" is said to be Trent Reznor's best work to date
Do you agree? Let us know in the comments below.

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WATCH: Exclusive Footage of Caustic Performing on Grendel's Severed Nations Tour

MADISON, WI—On a cool Wednesday night in downtown Madison, Grendel was in town for the most recent stop on their Severed Nations Tour with Ghostfeeder and Peter Turns Pirate. Proud wearer of the industrial dunce cap, Caustic, took the stage after a stellar opening performance by Conformco. Reporter Dick Wrigley was on location to shoot exclusive footage of Caustic's set. Warning: Not suitable for mature viewers

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Therapist Tells Troubled Goth Patient "It's Okay to Not Like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'"

BUFORD, IN—Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker has been a Goth for as long as she can remember. From her days as a 3 year old wearing Misfits T-Shirts, to her scene days in Middle School, straight to her over dramatic Victorian Goth stage in high school, she says the style has always fit her. "Black has always been my thing. While other people were wearing pink and purple and glitter, I always stuck to the dark and the macabre. Some look up to Paris Hilton. My role model is Morticia Adams."

However, the 18-year-old bat-loving, coffee drinking enthusiast has come across a bit of a mid-Goth crisis. She has faced one issue that most Goths are afraid to confront directly: Her massive dislike of "The Nightmare Before Christmas."

"I used to think something was wrong with me. I was ashamed. Every time I'm hanging out with my friends or out at a club, I always see at the very least four of my fellow Goths wearing a Nightmare pin, shirt, or some sort of paraphernalia. They would have discussions about it laughing, and smiling, wishing they had a romance like Jack and Sally. I would just stand there and smile and nod and agree, but I hated it."

Becker discussed her first encounter with the beloved classic. She first watched it at a sleepover at a friend's house where she fell asleep during the first ten minutes. "All my friends were talking about it the next morning and I was just like completely unaware of anything."

Becker went on to say how infected the Goth culture has become by "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

"I thought in order to be Goth, you had to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' otherwise you couldn't hold the title of Goth," Becker stated.

It wasn't until Becker visited professional counselor and lifestyle coach James Frank III that she finally got her dislike for "The Nightmare Before Christmas" under control.

Frank stated, "When I first saw Lasandra she was a wreck. Her eyeliner was not on point and she was wearing sketchers with black jeans. What type of Goth wears sketchers?"

It was through this miracle worker that Becker was able to hold her title as what she truly was in life. "Frank told me that it was okay to not like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. Obviously there were many sessions involved, many months of counseling, and I finally got over it."

Becker's ultimate test was when she visited her local Goth club night where she met familiar faces. Her boyfriend, who goes by the name of Josh Ravenblood said, "I never saw her so happy in quite a while. Every time someone mentions or brings up 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' she just laughs and says it sucks."

Since her rehabilitation, Becker has continued her life as a Goth without being chained to the stereotype, "You have to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' to be a Goth."

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Ailing Cyber Goth Booted into Safe Mode

Photo by: Michael Wood, Model: Viridis Paphiae

LANCASTER, UK—It all started with delayed stomping that didn't match the beat. A once energetic cyber goth girl eventually came to a nearly complete standstill before falling to the ground and convulsing.

"After a few minutes, she sat up. Her eyes were half open, and she just sat there. She didn't move or say anything," recounted one witness.

That's when the bartender called IT. 34-year-old Travis Brenten, a certified cyber goth technician, arrived shortly and started with the basics: Unplugging all peripherals and turning her off and back on again. When she failed to boot, Brenten decided to check the girl's phone for any emergency contacts in hopes of finding someone with a recovery disc. Unfortunately, the phone required a pass code, making it impossible. That's when the experience tech decided to try booting into Safe Mode.

"My main concern was that she wouldn't [boot into Safe Mode]. Fortunately, she did, and I was able to run a memory scan and chkdsk but it took forever," recalled Brenten.

Three hours and ten cigarettes later, the scan stalled at 98%. Not wanting to waste anymore time, Brenten opted to replace the malfunctioning cyber goth with a nearby wallflower.

"She wasn't doing anything anyway. She was a bit apprehensive, but I installed a few more drinks, and she was able to get out there," Brenten explained.

Once the new girl was in place, the lights were brought back down; the DJ pressed play and resumed pretending to press buttons and move faders. Brenten carried the malfunctioning girl out to his van and left.

DJ Gizmotron later expressed his frustration with the ordeal, "It was pretty inconvenient. We couldn't use the dance floor while he was working on her, so no one got any stomping done. I had a huge set list I needed to get through before bar time, and I missed my deadline."

Throughout the night, the girl's cousin frantically insisted that the episode was related to her diabetes, but this claim has not been substantiated.

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Obnoxious Industrial Fan Creates Fake News Site to Amuse Self, Four Others

INDUSTRIAL, WV—An industrial fan identifying himself only as "Dick Wrigley" has created a website called Riveting News in a low-brow attempt to lampoon the industrial scene. The site features made up articles with headlines often described on Reddit as "low hanging fruit." Sources say the second person to like the online publication's Facebook page was the man's girlfriend, who only did so out of perceived obligation.

According to Google Analytics, the only visitors are the writers who regularly visit the site to scroll through and admire their cleverness. The website displays multiple flashing ads that have raked in a reported $0.27 over the past year. It also features a link to a webstore full of mostly black T-shirts with asinine phrases in grungy fonts.

For more information about this useless website, visit their about page.

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