Band Without Gear Starts Fraudulent 'Stolen Gear' GoFundMe to Pay for Gear

WINONA, MN—In the age of crowdfunding, musicians often turn to platforms like GoFundMe to finance their projects, tours, or even recover from unforeseen disasters. It's a great platform to help communities come together and support those in need. However, a recent incident involving a band claiming to have had their touring gear stolen has sparked controversy and raised questions about the transparency and integrity of such campaigns.

The goth industrial band Mechanical Zebra Carcass recently launched a GoFundMe campaign with an all too familiar, heartfelt plea for help. They claimed that while on tour, their van was broken into, and all of their expensive music equipment was stolen. The emotional appeal struck a chord with supporters, who generously donated thousands of dollars to help the band recover from a huge loss that was said to include a drum set, vintage synthesizers, and a fog machine.

However, suspicions arose when fans noticed inconsistencies in the band's story. Some eagle-eyed supporters pointed out that in previous social media posts and live performances, the band was never seen using some of the gear they claimed was stolen. Photos surfaced online showing rental stickers on the various power tools the band was notorious for using on stage. A local promoter claims that there is no record of the band having booked any shows at the time of the supposed theft. Others noted that while the band posted pictures of their alleged stolen equipment, which is common practice among musicians seeking help after such incidents, the photos appeared to be merely screenshots from an Amazon Wishlist. Even the lead singer's father posted on social media that none of the band members had a valid driver's license or even owned a car, much less a van. He also pointed out the band's troubled history with crowdfunding.

As doubts grew, investigations were launched, and it was eventually revealed that Mechanical Zebra Carcass had never owned the touring gear they claimed was stolen. In fact, the band had concocted the entire story as a ploy to raise money to buy equipment for the first time.

The revelation sparked outrage among fans who felt deceived and betrayed by the band they once supported. Many demanded refunds, while others called for the band to be held accountable for their actions. The GoFundMe campaign was swiftly shut down, and the band issued a public apology acknowledging their wrongdoing and promising to refund all donations.

Though their reputation may have been tarnished, it wasn't too late for Mechanical Zebra Carcass to make amends. By owning up to their dumb mistake, issuing refunds, donating to a charity that provides musical instruments to low-income schools, and demonstrating a commitment to transparency moving forward, they were able to rebuild the trust they lost and regain the support of their fans.

Although some members of Mechanical Zebra Carcass have exhibited annoying behaviors in the past, it has not gone unnoticed that throughout this period of increased scrutiny, not one of the band members has been accused of even a single instance of racism, homophobia, sexual misconduct, or being an alt-right, anti-trans wacko who's been lying to everyone about their core values. The industrial scene has agreed to give Mechanical Zebra Carcass a mulligan and forget the whole thing. It's amazing what taking responsibility, showing remorse, and choosing to do better can accomplish.

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Taco Bell Introduces New Goth Wrap Supreme

In a bold move to capture the hearts and stomachs of the goth community, Taco Bell has introduced its latest menu item: the Goth Wrap Supreme.

According to the fast-food chain's press release, the Goth Wrap Supreme is a "dark and delicious" take on their classic wrap, filled with black beans, black rice, blackened chicken, and a special "goth sauce" made from crushed black garlic and squid ink.

"We're thrilled to bring this edgy new flavor profile to our customers," said a Taco Bell spokesperson. "We know the goth community has been clamoring for more representation in fast food, and we're happy to oblige."

The announcement has sparked mixed reactions online, with some praising Taco Bell for catering to a previously underserved market, while others are calling the move "cringey" and "blatant pandering."

One BlueSky Social user wrote, "As a goth, I appreciate the effort, but I think I'll stick to my black coffee and cigarettes."

Another commented, "Nice try, but the best goth meal is still Count Chocula."

Despite the criticism, Taco Bell says they're confident the Goth Wrap Supreme will be a hit with their customers.

"We're always looking for ways to innovate and stay ahead of the curve," said the spokesperson. "And if that means embracing the darker side of fast food, then so be it."

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Goth Chemist Develops Industrial Strength SPF 666 Sunscreen

UPDATE: The formula has been licensed to Neutrogena.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Goth chemist Lasandra Nightfaery has developed a new industrial strength sunscreen with an SPF of 666. The sunscreen is specially designed to keep skin pale and protect it from the harmful rays of the sun. Nightfaery, a long time goth, says she was motivated to develop the sunscreen after her goth softball league game was postponed after a two-hour sun delay.

"I wanted a sunscreen that would keep us both pale and protected from the sun, but all of the products on the market were either too weak or they weren't vegan," she says. "So, I decided to develop my own sunscreen that would be strong enough to keep me pale and protected."

The sunscreen is made with a special black pigment that absorbs light, preventing it from reaching the skin. In addition, the sunscreen contains a concentration of zinc oxide, which reflects and scatters UV rays. Finally, the sunscreen is infused with a special blend of essential oils and spells that provide additional protection against UV rays and negative energies. The sunscreen is currently available for purchase online and in select Hot Topic stores.

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Band With Two Fans Begs For $5,000 in Crowdfunding Campaign

STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass is once again making headlines within the goth and industrial scene. This time the band has asked for, and I quote, a "pitiful" amount of money to press their new album Industrial Sucks.

"We're pushing boundaries in the industrial scene," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group, "No one else can release as good an album as we can! We pirated and cracked a DAW, and now we're making waves."

The waves they so fondly proclaim to be making has netted them less than one-hundred views on YouTube and Spotify combined. Their social media pages are particularly sad to look at considering no one in the scene interacts with them.

"We've been squashed and censored by social media algorithms," claimed Maclaver, "Even though we see other bands utilizing hard work and friendly promotion to lift both themselves and their fellow peers, that's not what we're doing."

In fact, what Maclaver has stated is more than truthful. Rather than attempting to build a strong connection with those around them, Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been begging people for money to get their new album pressed.

"Yeah, we could get jobs and work a few hours during the week and save up the money to press the release ourselves, but my mom and dad have already said they would support me if I brought Industrial Sucks to Kickstarter. So, I mean, that's already two people for a five-thousand dollar goal. Plus, if I pester enough people in the scene about this, we'll definitely be loved and well liked," stated Maclaver.

As of right now, only one person has supported their crowdfunding campaign with five dollars. The message from the donor reads, "Get a fucking job and out of our basement."

The duo behind the music has made headlines in the past for ranting and raving about sites not reviewing their album, trying to make the world's shittiest music video, as well as for accidentally building a deck while using power tool on stage. Who knows what else this wonky band will get up to.

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Trump Pardons Trapt For Being Total Dildos

WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

The lame duck President has seemingly moved on to the nu metal scene and granted a pardon to Trapt, whose frontman, Chris Taylor Brown, has been making waves with his social media dickery. According to Trump, Brown and his band can now, "...be back on Twitter and the Facebook effective immediately." There is no word on whether anyone has explained to Trump that that's not how any of this works.

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Trump Pardons Dahvie Vanity, Sin Quirin, William Control Before Leaving Office

WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

Sin Quirin of Ministry, Dahvie Vanity of Blood on the Dancefloor, and William Control of whoever he is are all said to be alleged predators of underage girls. Trump's disdain for "Cancel Culture" has led him to "pardon" these men of their "crimes." When informed that none of them have been charged or convicted of anything, Trump insisted that he add them to the list.

There has been no word yet on whether And One will be pardoned for being a crazy, Qanon Twitter nut. This article will be updated as more details are released.

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Goth Astrophysicist Leads Research on Dark Matter and Black Holes

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Black holes are some of the most extreme objects in the Universe: the only locations where there's so much energy in a tiny volume of space that an event horizon gets created. Everything that falls past that is forever doomed, simply adding to the black hole's gravitational pull. But what does that mean for dark matter?

Dr. Joshua "Ravenblood" Hanson is an astrophysicist and lecturer at M.I.T. has dedicated his life to answering that question. From outside a black hole, scientists have no way to gain information about what it was initially composed of, but by studying its mass, electric charge, and angular momentum (or intrinsic rotational spin), Hanson is confident its composition and thus interaction with dark matter can be quantified.

"Dark matter has no color charge, baryon number, lepton number, lepton family number, etc. I call it 'Goth Matter.' I also call black holes 'Goth Holes' because they form from the deaths of supermassive stars—which is of course normal, baryonic matter—the initial composition of a newly-formed black hole is always approximately 100% normal matter and 0% dark matter. Even though there's no definitive way to tell what black holes are made of from the outside alone, we've witnessed the direct formation of a black hole from a progenitor star; no dark matter was involved," explained Dr. Hanson as my eyes glazed over and I started trying to remember how many Lilo & Stitch sequels there are. (There are three, plus a television series.)

This went on for 15 minutes. He used a bunch of big sciencey words that very well could have been sci-fi nonsense for all I know. I was hardly listening, but I swear to God he said "Stargate" at one point. Suffice it to say, he's a huge nerd.

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Mail-Order Goth Service Growing in Popularity Thanks to COVID-19

SEATTLE, WA—The months-long shutdown caused by the novel coronavirus has made it nearly impossible to meet fellow goths. One eccentric entrepreneur has found a way to fill the social void left by the mass closures of goth clubs and make a few dollars in the process.

"It's not for anything weird; just to hang out," claims 28-year-old Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, seemingly the most naïve man in the universe.

"I found that I really miss talking about tattoos and which bands have sold out while smoking outside the club. I figure I'm not the only one."

Hanson's company, Goth-in-a-Box, offers multiple options to potential customers: a one time purchase of a gender identity of your choosing, a discounted mystery box that "may or may not contain an emo dude," or a monthly subscription service. The latter option one can only assume is geared toward serial killers.

When asked about a return policy, Hanson stated, "We offer full refunds on our one time purchase boxes should your goth turn out to be a poser or sustain a major concussion in shipping. All mystery box sales are final."

The policy is generous, but it's not without its restrictions. For instance, not being familiar with The Cure qualifies for a refund or exchange, but not liking The Nightmare Before Christmas does not.

Though the price is hefty, it should be noted that accessories are not included. Chokers and eyeliner will need to be purchased elsewhere.

As of press time, Hanson has not yet been able to get his products listed on Amazon. It would seem that Amazon will not support the exploitation of human beings unless they are employed by the company.

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Big Dick Goth Boyfriend Overshadowed by Big Titty Goth Girlfriend

CINCINNATI, OH—Being a well endowed male always has its perks; should you and your date take a hot dive at the nearest motel your large member will be an eye catcher and a physical pleasure; becoming a modern day cam-boy could easily become a dream come true; in fact, you're probably the talk of the town between your next door Cougar Mrs. Smith and her friends who look at you through their window with lusty eyes. But just when does being a pizza with extra sausage become more of a shore than an actual fantasy? For big dick goth boyfriend, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, it's when he's in public with his big titty goth girlfriend, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

Ravenblood used to be shy about his ten-pound package of beef often choosing to be berated by his teachers in high school when they would call him to the chalkboard; he often chose not to get up as his half-chub would be enormous.

"I wouldn't often think of anything back then," Ravenblood said, "But when I did my mind would wonder into sexual territory and soon enough there would be a volcano bound to erupt. I decided I would rather be scolded than get up."

But his journey into adulthood changed that. Embracing what he was and his larger-than-life status was a difficult journey for him but eventually he found comfort. He said about this revelation, "Yeah, when I was around nineteen I said, 'Fuck it,' and began wearing really tight leather pants in my own home. This was around the time I began dating Nightfaery. But that's where it all went wrong."

"I never really thought of them as being huge nor myself as being a bit titty goth girlfriend. But I guess the internet thinks I am, because every time I post a photo on Instagram, I get at least four different boys in the comments stating, 'MOMMY, GIVE ME MILKY,'" said Nightfaery.

But just as Ravenblood found the courage to go out in public with his bonkrod did he only do so side-by-side with Nightfaery.

"It was awesome; I picked out the perfect pair of black skinny jeans I had and walked right into the biggest mall in the state. But not a word was said about my womb broom; not a single word was spoken about the potential operation of my crane and its wrecking balls could produce. Instead, everywhere we went Nightfaery's slammers were the star of the show. It was the worst fucking day of my life," said Ravenblood.

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Coronavirus Outbreak at Cyber Goth Rave Kills Zero

ISLINGTON, UK—The deadly Coronavirus has made its way to London. One small community, however, has somehow remained uninfected.

An outbreak has rocked parts of the city, hitting peak infection numbers and several deaths over the weekend. One small community in the Islington District has somehow remained an outlier.

It has been determined by the CDC that much of the staff at a local nightclub in London's Islington District has contracted the virus. The club operates two dance floors: an ebm/aggrotech room on the ground level and a darkwave/goth room on the top level. As fate would have it, on this particular night, the event had been downsized to only the ground level aggrotech floor due to several bartenders and a DJ being out sick.

All patrons have shown no symptoms and tested negative for COVID-19, although about a third of the club's regulars have tested positive for gonorrhea. All infected staff have been hospitalized but are expected to make a full recovery.

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Ghostfeeder Opens Food Pantry for Disembodied Spirits

TAMPA, FL—Synthrock electropop project Ghostfeeder has started a nonprofit organization dedicated to feeding apparitions in need.

"I just wanted to give back. It makes my day when someone comes in who had recently died of starvation," said frontman Derek Walborn.

The idea came to him when an earthbound specter approached him after a show expecting food. "I was confused. I thought he was just goth, but then I realized he was actually dead," recounted Walborn.

Although Walborn does not overtly advertise it, his food pantry features a back room with a cooler full of blood bags for malnourished poltergeists who have lost their hosts. Indeed, he is wholly dedicated to providing sustenance for a diverse group of ghosts.

Said Walborn, "I don't discriminate or judge. Maybe they have perfectly legitimate resentments toward the living; we don't know. Imagine how hard it must be to glom onto a family or person you've decided to terrorize and then they go and die in an accident that you didn't even get to cause."

Ghostfeeder's food pantry for phantoms is open Monday through Friday from dusk til dawn and on Halloween regardless of what day of the week it falls on.

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Goth Anti-Vaxxer Refuses to Listen to The Cure

PORTLAND, OR—Mother of one and businesswoman, Cassandra Becker seems to be your typical American role-model to her one and only child, Lasandra Nightfaery, However, Becker does have a dark secret that may bite her coworkers: She's a Gothic enthusiast, party-goers, and vampire roleplayer by night. However, Becker holds another deep, dark secret that shocks more than just her coworkers and quite possibly angers the entire country: She's an anti-vaccination mother.

Becker has been anti-vaccination since the fad began back in 2018 when a couple of idiots falsely linked vaccinations to autism. "If it's between letting my child horribly die of a preventable disease or letting her live a potentially happy life listening to The Cure well, I'm letting Lasandra die," said Becker, who in one sentence has revealed herself to be the Schrödinger's Cat of being Goth.

This anti-vax mother is extremely strict and rigid when it comes to items in her household that could possibly cause one to come into contact with a vaccination. "We are vegan in this house; I know they put vaccinations in animals. Which means meat at the produce store is spoiled and can cause cancer and autism. So, that's a no go. We eat fruits and vegetables only," Becker stated.

But, through all this, the controversial goth mom has been able to keep friends and family alike near her. However, that is despite one dark and hidden secret neither her nor her daughter, Lasandra, will talk about: Becker refuses to listen to The Cure.

"As an anti-vaxxer, I cannot have myself nor my daughter listening to The Cure! I heard that listening to The Cure can cause autism and I am not having it!" Becker exploded as soon as she was asked why she wouldn't listen to the iconic '80s goth rock band.

When pressed for any evidence to back her claims, we were quickly and quietly escorted out of her home by the knife she held in her hand as she screamed obscenities.

Riveting News intends to organize a concert in the park next to her house featuring a lineup consisting entirely of the The Cure tribute bands. More on that later.

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DJ Stephen29 Gets Hot Topic Lower Back Tattoo

No, seriously, he did. We didn't make this up. We saw this and were like, "OK, let's just copypaste reality and have that be the joke article this week." And here we are. Looking at this. A thing that actually exists. On a 27-year-old man's lower back.

Hot Topic is an American retail chain specializing in selling overpriced counterculture-related clothing and accessories to teenagers, as well as licensed t-shirts of long-dead musicians their customers have only vaguely heard of. It's where we all went in our youth in order to express ourselves and torment our parents. It's where we currently sneak into just to check out the shirts real quick after buying eyeliner from Sephora. At our age, we know better than to fuck around with a shitty drugstore brand.

Most of us have since turned our backs on Hot Topic, but one man has turned his back toward it. Completely sober and not withdrawing from any psychiatric medications that we know of, the Cincinnati-based goth/industrial/ebm DJ known as Stephen29 has recently made a life choice to pay homage to the store that helped many of us figure out who we are. It's a choice he stands by, a choice he sat and leaned forward for, and a choice you shouldn't judge.

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Study: 12% of All Electrical Tape Used to Cover Nipples

BERKELEY, CA—According to research conducted by UC Berkeley, a small but significant portion of electrical tape is being used to cover the human nipple rather than wires.

The study was recently published in Engineering Quarterly and focused on the decline of electrical tape use. The study cited possible causes such as the affordability of heat shrink butt connectors. In fact, a high percentage of technicians do not even carry the tape due to the ever-decreasing cost of simply replacing entire components.

The authors of the paper break down the most common uses of electrical tape in modern times. Buried within these statistics, is an interesting figure. It is estimated that around 12.4% of electrical tape purchases are made by consumers intending to cover their own or other people's nipples.

While the report did not contain any verbiage regarding situations in which the black tape might be used as pasties, it has been known to appear in various places such as industrial album covers, photos of goth Instagram models, burlesque performances, and feminist rallies.

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How to Spot a Fake Goth

It's a tough question that we ask ourselves all the time. You'll be out at your favorite stomping grounds and come across someone who seems like they're trying to be Goth, but doesn't quite fit in. Your soulless instincts start to kick in as you notice that this person is not wearing black at all but a mean set of cargo shorts, Crocs, and a white button up shirt. Suddenly, you realize that this person might actually be a normie. This is a dilemma that many of us face, therefore we here at Riveting News have set up a guide that will help you find out whether or not someone is really Goth.

• Their favorite song by The Cure is actually the Hot Potato song by The Wiggles.
• When you read their Journal, it says, "I fucking hate Goths so much," over and over and has photos taped in it of popular pop-punk groups such as Weezer.
• Their limited edition unrated director's cut of The Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Tae Bo video.
• They pronounce Sisters of Mercy as "Blisters of Cersei."
• They spread mayonnaise all over their body to hide a really nice tan.
• Their combat boots have a Nike swoosh on them and also aren't combat boots at all.
• They ask you if their eyeliner looks OK, but they're wearing a paper bag over their head with a sad face drawn in sharpie.
• Their cutting scars are clearly from anterior cruciate ligament surgery.
• When you talk about Satan, they start crying and beat the shit out of you with a Bible.
• When you ask what their favorite legitimate Goth site is, they say Riveting News.

When in doubt, knock them out.

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Study: Is Eating Ass Goth?

NEWBURY, CT—It seems that eating ass has become the latest sexual trend in recent years with many, many millennials constantly posting, asking, and wondering about the infatuation.

Researchers across the world are stumped as to how and why this has become such a trend considering, as one anonymous source put, “Literal shit comes from the anus. You are eating shit when you eat ass.”

Editor’s note: That’s what baby wipes are for.

But there is one question lingering in the air that has yet to be answered by our little, dark, narrow scene: Is eating ass considered to be Goth?

We at Riveting News, your number one legitimate source for all things dark and electronic, are here to answer that question. Our investigation led us to the household of Lasandra “Nightfaery” Becker, a sexual deviant and someone who has gotten her asshole licked by big tongues, small tongues, fat tongues, and flat tongues. When we first knocked on the door Nightfaery groaned, “Not you fucking guys again.”

But after offering to pay her in coffee and cigarettes, she reluctantly let us in. As we sat on the couch with one too many noticeable stains on it, Nightfaery answered our question to the best of her knowledge, “Josh Ravenblood, my boyfriend, has always called my butthole ‘the batcave’. When I tell people about that they’re thinking it’s a batman reference. But it’s not. We’re talking about actual bats here.”

Ravenblood was listening in on the conversation next to his girlfriend, and added, “She’s eaten my ass out for the past ten nights. And, I mean, if you think about it, the butthole never sees sunlight, and neither do Goths.”

Nightfaery finished out by saying, “So, yeah, I mean… I guess eating ass is Goth.”

Though these are just two of the many opinions that are in the Goth scene, the discussion can still move forward with the many make-up artists, musicians, and BDSM performers within the Goth scene. We at Riveting News say that eating ass is GOTH, as it always has been. So eat ass to your heart’s content.

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Therapist Tells Troubled Goth Patient "It's Okay to Not Like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'"

BUFORD, IN—Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker has been a Goth for as long as she can remember. From her days as a 3 year old wearing Misfits T-Shirts, to her scene days in Middle School, straight to her over dramatic Victorian Goth stage in high school, she says the style has always fit her. "Black has always been my thing. While other people were wearing pink and purple and glitter, I always stuck to the dark and the macabre. Some look up to Paris Hilton. My role model is Morticia Adams."

However, the 18-year-old bat-loving, coffee drinking enthusiast has come across a bit of a mid-Goth crisis. She has faced one issue that most Goths are afraid to confront directly: Her massive dislike of "The Nightmare Before Christmas."

"I used to think something was wrong with me. I was ashamed. Every time I'm hanging out with my friends or out at a club, I always see at the very least four of my fellow Goths wearing a Nightmare pin, shirt, or some sort of paraphernalia. They would have discussions about it laughing, and smiling, wishing they had a romance like Jack and Sally. I would just stand there and smile and nod and agree, but I hated it."

Becker discussed her first encounter with the beloved classic. She first watched it at a sleepover at a friend's house where she fell asleep during the first ten minutes. "All my friends were talking about it the next morning and I was just like completely unaware of anything."

Becker went on to say how infected the Goth culture has become by "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

"I thought in order to be Goth, you had to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' otherwise you couldn't hold the title of Goth," Becker stated.

It wasn't until Becker visited professional counselor and lifestyle coach James Frank III that she finally got her dislike for "The Nightmare Before Christmas" under control.

Frank stated, "When I first saw Lasandra she was a wreck. Her eyeliner was not on point and she was wearing sketchers with black jeans. What type of Goth wears sketchers?"

It was through this miracle worker that Becker was able to hold her title as what she truly was in life. "Frank told me that it was okay to not like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. Obviously there were many sessions involved, many months of counseling, and I finally got over it."

Becker's ultimate test was when she visited her local Goth club night where she met familiar faces. Her boyfriend, who goes by the name of Josh Ravenblood said, "I never saw her so happy in quite a while. Every time someone mentions or brings up 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' she just laughs and says it sucks."

Since her rehabilitation, Becker has continued her life as a Goth without being chained to the stereotype, "You have to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' to be a Goth."

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Ailing Cyber Goth Booted into Safe Mode

Photo by: Michael Wood, Model: Viridis Paphiae

LANCASTER, UK—It all started with delayed stomping that didn't match the beat. A once energetic cyber goth girl eventually came to a nearly complete standstill before falling to the ground and convulsing.

"After a few minutes, she sat up. Her eyes were half open, and she just sat there. She didn't move or say anything," recounted one witness.

That's when the bartender called IT. 34-year-old Travis Brenten, a certified cyber goth technician, arrived shortly and started with the basics: Unplugging all peripherals and turning her off and back on again. When she failed to boot, Brenten decided to check the girl's phone for any emergency contacts in hopes of finding someone with a recovery disc. Unfortunately, the phone required a pass code, making it impossible. That's when the experience tech decided to try booting into Safe Mode.

"My main concern was that she wouldn't [boot into Safe Mode]. Fortunately, she did, and I was able to run a memory scan and chkdsk but it took forever," recalled Brenten.

Three hours and ten cigarettes later, the scan stalled at 98%. Not wanting to waste anymore time, Brenten opted to replace the malfunctioning cyber goth with a nearby wallflower.

"She wasn't doing anything anyway. She was a bit apprehensive, but I installed a few more drinks, and she was able to get out there," Brenten explained.

Once the new girl was in place, the lights were brought back down; the DJ pressed play and resumed pretending to press buttons and move faders. Brenten carried the malfunctioning girl out to his van and left.

DJ Gizmotron later expressed his frustration with the ordeal, "It was pretty inconvenient. We couldn't use the dance floor while he was working on her, so no one got any stomping done. I had a huge set list I needed to get through before bar time, and I missed my deadline."

Throughout the night, the girl's cousin frantically insisted that the episode was related to her diabetes, but this claim has not been substantiated.

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Goth Model Pretends Black Licorice Isn't Fucking Gross

BELFORD, ME—Everyone knows black licorice is gross, and if you like it, you're wrong. That hasn't stopped 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery, a gothic Instagram "model" from insisting that she enjoys eating the chewy nightmare sticks.

"Black red vines are may fav!!  #licorice #redvines #yummy #favoritesnack #black #loveblack #allblackallthetime #goth #gothic #gothmodel #feelingpretty #lace #blacklace," said the lying sociopath when she posted a picture of herself clearly not even eating the disgusting strips of black death.

After 12 minutes of raging over having to read the phrase, "black red vines," I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath. Intellectually, I knew she was referring to black licorice made by the Red Vines licorice brand, but I was already psychologically crippled by the nerve of this woman's twisted insistence that rotting rat carcasses make a good snack when compressed and twisted into rope. Everyone has their breaking point.

As of press time, there were a dozen comments on Ms. Nightfaery's fauxtograph, including three from seemingly like-minded fraudsters claiming to also have the ability to consume The Upside Down's version of a Slim Jim without vomiting every ounce of bile from within their wretched bodies.

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Goth Kid's Mom Forgets Count Chocula Again

WATERFORD, CT—It seemed as if it were a regular Monday morning just like any other. Around 6:45 AM, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson woke up for school immediately craving his favorite cereal as a vampire would lust for blood. After getting dressed and applying his makeup, Hanson walked down stairs and went into the kitchen.

"The first thing I did was grab a bowl and spoon out of the dishwasher. I was supposed to put them away last night, but I don't even care. Then I got the milk out of the fridge. Oh, and she got 1% again, which is a whole other thing. I set it all on the table and went to the pantry to get some Count Chocula, because I know I told my mom we were out before she went to the store yesterday."

That's when everything came crashing down. There was no box of Count Chocula. Instead, there was only an old box of corn flakes, and a new, unopened box of Froot Loops. Hanson's mom had forgotten the dark, sinister cereal.

"I was so pissed. My mom was in the bathroom so I yelled through the door like, 'Mom, where's the Count Chocula? Did you leave it in the van?' And she's like, 'Oh, sorry, Sweetie, I forgot.' She pulled this shit a few weeks ago too."

In that moment, Ravenblood—by which Hanson insisted we refer to him in this article—was speechless. Not only had Mrs. Hanson forgotten the Count Chocula, but she managed to remember Ravenblood's little sister's favorite cereal, Froot Loops.

"Mackenzie gets everything; it's bullshit. I can't eat fucking Froot Loops. They're made of bright colors, and just look at how happy that fucking toucan looks," explained Ravenbood.

When it was pointed out that Count Chocula is also smiling on the box, Ravenblood responded, "Yeah, but that's because he's, like, excited to bring the sweet embrace of death upon the living."

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